Title

Final Words

The fact of the matter is: You can never be too good to yourself. The most important relationship in this life is the one you have with yourself. And it’s time we all recognized that.

Since you’re here, why not drop by this memorable and shareable post: 23 Quotes On Self-Love.

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Author Bio: Sophia Godkin, PhD, is a Psychologist, Personalized Health, Happiness, and Mindset Coach, and a University Professor. Her life mission is to help people on their journeys to gain joy, health, and freedom. Follow her on . Find her on .

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Be YOUR Valentine

Make learning about and developing self-compassion part of your self-care plan. Self-compassion fosters an attitude of kindness and is lived out through our actions of kindness—toward ourselves. Prioritizing self-care commitments is a concrete embodiment of one’s self-compassion.

So, take this Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to commit to be YOUR own Valentine. Give yourself the heart of self-care! Self-compassion lasts longer than the most expensive dinner, delicious chocolates, or beautiful bouquet. And, in practicing self-compassion, you can have those, too, if you want!

Join us March 21, 2018, for a Webinar Wellshop, hosted by The New Social Worker, on the Foundations and Fundamentals of Self-Care.

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* Dr. Jay Miller is spearheading research on self-care among individuals in helping professions. He is conducting the first known research that explicitly examines the complex relationships between self-compassion and self-care.

Of course, it’s A.

It’s much easier to be compassionate towards others.

But when we are the ones having a hard time, making mistakes, or facing challenges or setbacks?

It can be much more difficult to feel compassionate towards ourselves. Instead of offering that kindness, support, and understanding, we are much more likely to be hard on ourselves, criticize ourselves, and make ourselves feel bad.

If you are radiating compassion out to the world around you – to loved ones, friends, acquaintances, strangers, even people across the globe – that is awesome. (And I know it doesn’t happen all the time! And that’s OK too.) You are doing a great job.

But it’s also important to check and make sure that you aren’t leaving something – or someone – very important out of the equation.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”– Jack Kornfield

Now some people might think that self-compassion isn’t very important, and maybe that it’s even detrimental. They believe that self-compassion can lead to self-pity, weakness, complacency, or selfishness.

Conversely, many of us often think that being hard on ourselves and being self-critical is actually what we need and what will be most helpful.

After all, don’t we have to be hard on ourselves in order to push ourselves to be better, improve, and achieve more?

It turns out that the answer is no.

The Components of Self-Compassion

According to studies conducted by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is made up of 3 components: Being kind to yourself, knowing that everyone sometimes feels the same way we do and intentional awareness.

Being kind to yourself is the opposite of judging yourself. When things don’t go the way we want them to, the most common response we have is to blame and judge ourselves. Self-compassion reverses this tendency; instead it helps us to accept matters with understanding and tolerance, even when they don’t go our way.

Knowing that everyone in the world has shared the same pains we’re experiencing, often saves us from feeling alone and isolated. When we suffer, we have the tendency to wonder: “Why me?” When we ask this question, “why me?”, we create the impression in our minds that everyone, apart from ourselves, leads problem-free lives, far from suffering, while we’re here stuck in a dark tunnel. By showing ourselves self-compassion, we internally remind ourselves that we’re not alone, that many other people go through these same emotions and situations, that there are so many other people who can and have felt this same pain.

Intentional awareness is being aware of what’s happening right now, paying full attention to it with no judgements whatsoever and accepting it open heartedly. Intentional awareness is a must in the path to self-compassion because we need to feel the pain we’re in. Being able to hold out a loving hand to our pain, after experiencing it is self-compassionate awareness.

Developing Self-Compassion in Therapy

Many therapeutic modalities focus on developing compassion for the self. For example, cognitive-behaviorists might help those in therapy work on reframing uncompassionate thoughts, while psychoanalytic therapists might work to uncover factors in early childhood that contributed to a lack of self-compassion and help those in treatment to work through those issues and develop compassion for themselves. An exploration of self-compassion and what it means (kindness to oneself) and does not mean (self-indulgence, self-pity) can also take place in therapy, and a better understanding of self-compassion might be the first step in developing greater compassion toward the self.

Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), developed from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness-based stress reduction program, is meant to increase self-awareness and thus can positively influence levels of self-compassion, as the goal of this therapy is for those in treatment to become able to see themselves separately from the negative thoughts and moods they might experience. In MBCT, the process of healing includes the interjection of positive thoughts in response to a negative mood, so those who experience a sense of lowness after focusing on their mistakes and flaws can often come to accept themselves more readily and direct compassion within.

Compassion-focused therapy (CFT), developed by Paul Gilbert, focuses on the use of compassionate mind training, or the development of attributes and skills that increase compassion, in order to facilitate the development of self-compassion through experiences that instill feelings of safety and contentment.

Exercise #1: Flip the Script – Free Printable Self-Compassion Exercise and Worksheet

I developed the exercise from a tip I learned on, of all places, the podcast My Favorite Murder and I’ve found it very helpful. I made a few tweaks to it and created a worksheet that you can print out and use whenever you need.

I call this exercise “Flip the Script.” You can use it any time you catch yourself talking to yourself in a harsh and critical manner. Write down on the worksheet exactly what you said to yourself and how it made you feel. Really go into detail.

If you’ve had a lifetime of practice speaking harshly to yourself, it can be hard to know how speak lovingly to yourself, so here’s a trick to help you flip the script. Imagine someone who knows you well and who loves loves cares for you talking to you about your issue. What would they say? Write that down.

If you don’t have anyone in your life like that, it’s perfectly ok to think of a fictional character or someone on TV or in the movies. What would Mr. Rogers say to you?

If you cry, by the way, you’re doing it right.

To print this worksheet, simply right click to save to your computer. If you would like a 2-page PDF version with more room to write, then click here.

Three Components of Self-Compassion

1. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment

Self-compassion requires that we be kind to ourselves when we make mistakes. When we miss the mark in any way and suffer because of it, we must recognize that such setbacks are inevitable and that we can choose how we react to them. Instead of despair, we can choose to be grateful for the experience. This self-compassion is far more constructive than judging ourselves for falling short. Rather than increasing our stress, frustration, self-criticism, and feelings of low self-worth, it takes failure and makes it our source of growth.

2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation

When we become angry or frustrated at ourselves for falling short, we tend to become the center of our own attention and ignore the suffering of those around us. This creates the illusion that we’re alone in our suffering, making us less inclined to address our weaknesses. When we choose self-compassion, however, a different state of mind arises. We realize that we are not alone in our suffering—that suffering itself is an essential part of the human experience. Keeping this in mind puts hardships in perspective and better equips us to deal with them.

3. Mindfulness

A self-critical approach to life makes it especially easy to become “over-identified” with what in reality is only a passing thought. To combat feelings of frustration with oneself by choosing compassion, we need to practice mindfulness. Doing so allows us to become sensitive to what’s happening in our minds at any given moment and to observe our thoughts and feelings clearly without judgment or suppression. That way, when the impulse to self-criticize arises, we’re aware of it and ready to treat ourselves with gentle compassion instead.

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What Leaders can Learn From Self-Compassion

Leaders might just be one of the sets of people most in need of self-compassion. We like to be in control, tend to drive ourselves hard, and take failure personally. All of which often results in harsh self-talk, and not a lot of self-forgiveness or internalized warmth.

Leaders deserve self-compassion as much as anyone else, by virtue of being human. But on top of being something that can improve your all-round well-being, self-compassion can also make you a better leader.

First of all, constantly pushing and criticizing yourself is a less effective approach to any mission than encouragement. It means that whenever you inevitably fail at something, any progress you’ve made comes grinding to a halt.

You focus on what went wrong and the mistakes you made. You worry that you might make them again. How are you supposed to find a solution with these fears weighing on your mind?

Self-compassion means facing your mistakes head on, and giving yourself the grace to learn from them. “When we accept failure and mistakes as part of the learning process, and when we approach it with kindness and encouragement, we’re going to want to do better because we care,” Neff says. “It puts us in a mindset that maximizes our ability to learn and grow.”

Once you’ve learned how to show yourself that benevolence, you’ll find it easier to extend it to your team. Leaders who accept their own mistakes as learning opportunities, and who know the value of an understanding attitude, are more willing to show their employees that same compassion. This promotes an environment of trust, where people feel encouraged to do their best, and supported to find a solution when something goes wrong.

Neff recommends combining the tender and fierce varieties of self-compassion. For example, setting performance goals and clear consequences if those aren’t met, and then asking, “How can I support you in achieving these goals?”

It’s kind of hard sometimes

Some people confuse kindness with weakness or they worry that being self-compassionate means an attitude where ‘anything goes’, resulting in lowered self-expectations, standards or achievements.

Some further common myths about being kind to oneself include:

Being self-compassionate means I will become lazy and won’t achieve what I want in life
Looking after myself is selfish
Being kind to myself makes me ‘soft’ or self-indulgent
Other people are more important than me and need to be my priority
I don’t deserve kindness
I need to make sure I don’t make any mistakes and being self-compassionate will let me off the hook too easily
If things get too easy for me I’m asking for trouble.

These ideas, whilst understandable, misinterpret the real idea of self-compassion.

Self-compassion involves treating oneself kindly, acknowledging that as humans ‘we are all in the same boat’ and that everybody hurts sometimes. It also means we are motivated to balance our negative thoughts and emotions by acting to relieve our distress.

This isn’t however a ‘free pass’ to act however we like. On the contrary, true self-compassion involves being honest with ourselves and fully accountable for our actions.

The difference is that this is done with an understanding of what it really means to be human and the knowledge that no one is perfect.

Что такое self-compassion?

Самосострадание – это одна из центральных тем в буддийской психологии

То есть сама по себе идея совсем не нова, но как эффективный инструмент для повседневной жизни она привлекла внимание учёных не так уж и давно. Одна из главных популяризаторов этой темы – профессор Техасского университета Кристин Нефф, которая уже более 20 лет серьёзно занимается изучением данного навыка

Оказывается, сострадание к самим себе ничуть не отличается от сострадания к другим людям. Занимаясь последним, человек способен заметить горести и трудности других, помочь по возможности и, самое главное, с добродушием и пониманием, без малейшего осуждения принять чужие ошибки. Сострадательная личность осознаёт, что оступиться может каждый и что все мы состоим не только из талантов, но и из несовершенств.

И тут парадокс! Вся современная культура создаёт условия и такие привычки мышления, что проявлять это качество вовне значительно легче, чем по отношению к собственной персоне. Когда нам удаётся научиться самосостраданию, то в трудную минуту или в обычной ежедневной рутине вместо того, чтобы безжалостно критиковать самих себя, мы способны поддержать себя и легче справиться со многими сложностями. Согласно теории доктора Кристин Нефф, самосострадание условно состоит из трёх базовых элементов.

Developing Self-Compassion

Becoming self-compassionate, even if you regard yourself as a compassionate person, can be difficult, especially at first. It’s important we practice patience with ourselves and remember everything, including ourselves, is a work in progress. With practice and commitment, we can all develop self-compassion that will help us live more fulfilled, meaningful lives.

The first step in developing self-compassion is understanding that your practice will not make bad feelings go away. Your practice will help you accept your feelings and pain so you can move through them with more ease. Suppression, on the other hand, will only make them worse.

1. Develop a mindfulness practice for self-awareness.

Self-compassion is deeply related to mindfulness, as it allows us to turn to ourselves, recognize our inner world, and understand where our thoughts and feelings may be coming from. This allows us to find balance with warmth and kindness. It also helps us be open to the present moment and accept a situation without judgment.

Your realizations as you practice mindfulness will be profound and beneficial to your overall mind-set. Everyone’s mindfulness practice will look different, but a few great places to start are short, guided meditations, journaling, or breathing exercises. Slowly, you will become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and needs and how they’re impacting your life both positively and negatively.

2. Use affirmations.

Affirmations can feel silly at first, but using kind words toward yourself when you’re having negative thoughts or experiences can feel as supportive as someone else saying them to you. Here are a few examples:

“It’s okay, sweetie.”
“You’re okay.”
“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself. May I give myself the compassion I need.” – Dr. Neff
“I am gentle and kind to myself.”
“I offer myself loving, gentle attention.”
“I will be kind to myself.”

3. Ask yourself, “How would I treat a friend?”

Next time you find yourself criticizing yourself, simply ask, “Would I talk to this way?” Chances are you wouldn’t. Try talking to yourself the same way you’d speak to them, and notice the shift in how you feel!

4. Give yourself permission to be imperfect.

As we’ve learned, imperfection and suffering are what it means to be human; you are not alone in this experience. Allowing ourselves to be imperfect creates an opportunity and an openness for us to feel freer and have more authentic experiences.

5. Write yourself a note.

Write a kind note to your current self or your childhood self. Tell yourself everything is okay and you’re all right, and remind yourself of all your most admirable qualities.

Цена самоосуждения

Беспрерывно насыщая свою потребность в положительной самооценке, мы немного напоминаем человека, объедающегося конфетами. Мы ловим кайф от сахара, но тут его уровень начинает падать. И маятник сразу движется в другую сторону, наступает отчаяние: мы понимаем, что, как бы нам этого ни хотелось, мы не можем всегда винить в своих проблемах других людей.

Мы не можем всегда чувствовать себя особенными и выше среднего уровня. Часто это приводит к катастрофическим результатам. Мы смотримся в зеркало, нам не нравится то, что мы видим (как в фигуральном, так и в буквальном смысле), и нам становится стыдно.

В случаях, когда провести себя нелегко — например, при сравнении своего веса с весом фотомоделей или своего счета в банке со счетами богатых и преуспевающих людей, — мы причиняем себе невероятную душевную боль. Мы теряем веру в себя, начинаем сомневаться в своих способностях и утрачиваем надежду. В этом плачевном состоянии мы, конечно, бросаемся еще больше винить себя, твердить, какие мы пассивные неудачники, и увязаем всё крепче и крепче.

И пусть даже нам удается взять себя в руки — идеал человека, считающегося «достаточно хорошим», все время кажется мучительно недосягаемым. Мы должны быть и умными, и физически крепкими, и стильными, и интересными, и преуспевающими, и сексуальными. Ах да, и одухотворенными тоже. И каких бы успехов мы ни добивались, нас не покидает ощущение, что у кого-то получается еще лучше.

Этот образ мыслей приводит к шокирующим результатам: миллионы людей вынуждены каждый день принимать лекарства, иначе они не могут справляться с обычными повседневными делами. Неуверенность, тревожность, депрессия чрезвычайно распространены в нашем обществе, и это во многом следствие самоосуждения, самобичевания, к которым мы прибегаем, когда нам кажется, что победа в игре под названием «жизнь» от нас ускользает.

Compassion: One of Our Oldest Feelings

The word compassion evokes a warmth and softness in us when we hear it. When we think about the word compassion, we may think of helping someone in need, comforting a loved one, or feeling a sense of sadness and pain in witnessing another person experiencing misfortune. Compassion is an incredibly powerful sentiment that can influence us to take action, connect with others and see in others reflections of ourselves.

Despite our general awareness that compassion is a vital part of connection, comradery and belonging, we often get swept up in feelings of stress, anger, worry, and anxiety. These emotions have a way of leading us to only focus on our own lives, and being less inclined to reach out to others.

And yet, everything that brings joy, connection, love, and belonging into our lives starts with love and one of the key ingredients to love is not only compassion for others, but compassion for ourselves. It’s often said that we cannot give others what we ourselves do not have. Thus, we cannot love fully or have compassion for others fully without first filling our cup with self-love and self-compassion. When you try to visualize compassion, you may think of someone’s hand reaching out to hold yours and the comfort, assurance and consolation that can bring you. Just as we can feel the calming impact of someone else treating us with compassion, we must also learn to treat ourselves with compassion. Again, only through self-compassion can we learn to love ourselves and thus love others. Before talking more about this, though, let’s get a better handle on what self-compassion is.

Exercises

Self-compassion exercises generally consist of either a writing exercise, role-playing, or introspective contemplation, and are designed to foster self-kindness, mindfulness, and feelings of common humanity. Self-compassion exercises have been shown to be effective in increasing self-compassion, along with increases in self-efficacy, optimism, and mindfulness. These exercises have also been shown to decrease rumination. In individuals who were vulnerable to depression, one week of daily self-compassion exercises lead to reduced depression up to three months following the exercise, and increased happiness up to six months following the exercise, regardless of the pre-exercise levels of happiness.

How would you treat a friend?

This exercise asks the user to imagine that they are comforting a close friend who is going through a tough situation. The user is then asked to compare and contrast how they react internally to their own struggles, and to endeavour applying the same loving kindness to themselves that they would apply to a friend.

Self-compassion break

This exercise is to be used during times of acute distress. The user is asked to focus on a stressful event or situation. Then, the user is asked to repeat several prompts to themselves, each of which emphasizes one of the three main tenets of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

Exploring through writing

In this exercise, the user is asked to focus on a facet of themself that they believe to be an imperfection, and that makes them feel inadequate. Once they have brought this issue to mind, they are asked to write a letter to themself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend. The user is then asked to focus on the soothing and comforting feelings of compassion that they have generated for themself.

Criticizer, criticized, and compassionate observer

This exercise asks the user to occupy several “chairs” during the course of the practice. Initially, they are asked to occupy the chair of the self-critic, and to express their feelings of self-criticism. They are asked to analyze this criticism and make note of its defining characteristics. Then, the user is asked to take the chair of their criticized self, and to imagine verbally responding to their inner critic. Subsequently, the user is prompted to conduct a dialogue between these two aspects of the self, the criticizer and the criticized. Following this, the user is asked to imagine themself as a compassionate observer of this dialogue, and finally the user is asked to reflect upon the experience.

Changing your critical self-talk

This exercise is meant to be conducted over several weeks, in the form of recurring reflection on the nature of their self-criticism. Users are asked to aim to notice when they are being self-critical, to react to their self-criticism with compassion, and to reframe the language of their inner critic.

Journal

This exercise entails keeping a daily journal for at least one week, and is used to reflect on difficult experiences, self-criticisms, and other stressors. The user is asked to analyze each of these events through the lenses of self-kindness (using gentle, comforting language to respond to the event), mindfulness (awareness of the negative emotions elicited by the situation), and common humanity (how the experience is part of the human condition).

Identifying what we really want

In this exercise, the user is asked to think about the ways that they use self-criticism as a way to motivate themself. Then, the user is asked to try to come up with a kinder and gentler and more caring way of motivating themself to make the desired change, and to try and be aware of how they use self-criticism as a motivational tool in the future.

Taking care of the caregiver

This exercise prompts the user to engage in meaningful self-care on a regular basis, and to practice these techniques while they are actively caring for others.

How to cultivate self-kindness

Compassion is multi-directional. Many people find it easier to be compassionate to others to begin with. This can be a good starting point but over time we need to also practice receiving compassion from others as well as being compassionate to ourselves.

It can be helpful to imagine how a kindness coach might help us approach the complexities and difficulties that life throws at us.

A kindness coach is a wise and trusted ally, someone who is truly on our side — rooting for us no matter what. They care for us deeply and unconditionally, knowing that we are not perfect. They understand all of the events in our lives that have brought us to the present moment and deeply accepts us ‘as we are’, not how we wish to be.

Imagine for a moment how this supportive coach might relate to us. How would they look, and sound? What facial expression and tone of voice would they have? How would they help us approach our past mistakes and our self-improvement goals?

For example, after eating a multipack of crisps a critic may relate to us by saying “you’re so disgusting, you make me sick”, whilst a compassionate coach would have a more encouraging approach: “I know you ate those crisps because you are feeling bored and lonely, but now you feel even worse because you are not looking after your body. I want you to be happy and healthy, so why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?”.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

For many folks who are used to treating themselves with tough love, the way to mental TLC can seem elusive. But you’re well served to switch tactics: «Research shows it’s easier to meet your goals when you encourage yourself from a place of kindness,» says Germer.

First, try this mini self-compassion break whenever you begin beating yourself up about something: Close your eyes and think of the situation that’s causing you stress (work issues, a toxic friendship). Then ask yourself where you feel it most in your body. Focus and say to yourself, «This is a moment of suffering.» Acknowledging discomfort is the first step, says Germer.

Next, tell yourself, «I’m not alone.» The idea is to connect with at least one other person in similar circumstances. Finally, put your hands over your heart and say, «May I be kind to myself. May I give myself what I need.» To find those sentiments, imagine that a loved one is having the same problem. «What would you say to this person, heart to heart? Offer yourself that message,» says Germer. (Related: Try These Mantras for Anxiety When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed)

What Is Self-Compassion?

According to renowned researcher and therapist Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is acting the same way toward yourself as you would a friend when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. She even describes it as “healing ourselves with kindness.” Dr. Chris Germer, in another body of research, refers to self-compassion as the “warmhearted attitude of mindfulness when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.”

While compassion focuses on how we relate to others, self-compassion focuses on the inner relationship with ourselves and the desire to alleviate our own pain and suffering instead of putting our own needs on the back burner.

It seems like having self-compassion is a no-brainer. Kindness, softness, and empathy toward ourselves? Sign us up! So why is flipping the narrative and practicing compassion toward ourselves so difficult?

While being compassionate toward others typically has a positive connotation, self-compassion, on the other hand, can sometimes have a negative connotation by seeming narcissistic, self-pitying, or selfish.

It can be easy to align with that negative rationale at face value, but it’s an idea that is simply not true. While self-compassion is, of course, a focus on the self, it is one that is conducted more objectively and mindfully. It involves enabling positive momentum rather than getting wrapped up in our own thoughts and feelings. Recognizing and celebrating your most admirable characteristics is actually an incredibly healthy and positive practice.

Having compassion for ourselves isn’t for the faint of heart. It challenges us to think in new ways and can bring up painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions from our past. However, confronting this dimension of ourselves can be a positive mechanism for long-term healing.

Component #1: Self-Kindness

Self-kindness means stopping the constant self-judgment. Stuff like:

“I’m such a loser. Why did I mess this up?! Why can’t I ever do something right?! I will never amount to anything. I hate myself. Fuck my life. Fuck me.”

Self-kindness means developing a more positive self-talk with yourself. You may react to a failure in a way like this:

“It’s okay man. Everybody fucks up from time to time. It’s okay to feel down right now. It’s normal to feel this way. C’mon, let’s pick ourselves up. We’ll make this happen next time.”

Just treat yourself like you would treat a good friend.

In short:

Be nice to yourself.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

In the Awareness entry of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals, Eileen Krueger emphasizes self-compassion as integral to self-care. Recent research documents a compelling link between one’s self-compassion and one’s level of self-care. Specifically, in a survey of more than 2,000 social workers, self-compassion proved to be a clear predictor of self-care.*

While largely unexplored in professional literature, this connection makes sense! Self-compassion is generally defined as having an attitude of kindness and consideration toward oneself. Self-care is essentially the actions and approaches that embody being kind and considerate to oneself.

A quick self-compassion guided meditation

This visualization technique, self-compassion meditation, will focus on cultivating a non-judgmental space for yourself, where kindness can prevail and ultimately translate to kindness toward others. Begin in a comfortable position, with a soft-focus in the eyes as you take in deep breaths: in through the nose and out through the mouth. On an out-breath, close your eyes and focus on the weight of your body’s points of contact stacked upon each other. Notice the different sounds around you before bringing your attention back to the body.

Next, bring your attention to the top of the head, and gently scan the body downward, all the way to your toes. How is it feeling today? Where are you holding tension? As you bring awareness back to the breath, where can you feel its movement?

When you are ready, shift your attention to the top of the head again. Take a moment to imagine a steady stream of sunlight flowing into the body, filling it up. This sunlight is flowing through the body, starting at the feet, traveling through the knees, reaching the upper body and extending through the arms, up the neck and the head. You’re just watching this happen — it takes no effort on your end to fill the body with sunlight.

Take this time to feel any tension floating away, and connect with the body’s sense of warmth and ease. Allow this feeling to remain for a few moments, while simultaneously letting the mind do whatever it chooses. As you bring the attention back to the body and how it feels within the space it inhabits, gently open the eyes. In your own time, take a few moments to reflect on what being kind to yourself feels like.